Letting Go

Thankfully, saying goodbye also means saying hello. 

 Leaving means arriving. 

 Letting go means receiving more. 

 Dying means being re-born.

 One door closes and another opens. 

A couple months ago, I wrote those words on the last page of my journal—the journal I’d written in for four years. During that time, I’d recently heard that I was moving back to the States, and I was trying desperately to find some hope in the sadness. 

God just planted those words in my mind, reminding me that it wasn’t all over. Yes, I would be saying goodbye, and leaving, but that didn’t mean I would have nothing. First of all, I would still have Him. And I would also have new friends and experiences, without even entirely losing my old ones! Yes, my life would be different, and it would be hard, but it could be a good different. And I would have to trust that He knew what he was doing, that something good would come out of it all. I have to believe that something beautiful will rise from the ashes…that from the tears, something new will grow. 

Sometimes we just have to let go, and trust that our hands will be filled again. But the hardest part is believing that so completely that we will indeed be willing to let go. A couple weeks ago, I went on a retreat with the worship teams of my church. One of the activities I had to do was a trust fall. I had to stand on a stack of chairs, with my hands tied, and fall backwards onto the clasped hands of two rows of people. I was terrified! Did I trust the people standing there to catch me? Yes! But there was still a nagging thought in the back of my mind. What if they don’t? Okay, so maybe I didn’t trust them…at least not completely! The hardest part was forcing myself to actually lean back and fall. That’s why I decided to get it over with as quickly as possible. When I called, “Here I come!” I fell, as in that second! And guess what? They caught me! Actually, I just laid there for a moment with my eyes closed…my thoughts at that point were, Wait, am I actually alive? Oh, I am! And God is a lot stronger than the people who caught me!

Psalms 81:10 says: 

"I, the LORD, am your God, Who brought you up from the land of Egypt; Open your mouth wide and I will fill it.

And Psalm 126:2 says:

“Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The LORD has done great things for them.”

So yes, it’s hard to let go. And I know I’m going to struggle with that more and more as my leaving date draws closer…but I want to be willing to be empty, if only for the joy of being filled up again by my Father! 

-Kasana

Take Another Step

Writer's Block. Since April on this blog. Hmm....

I've got ideas...but they won't come to words. Or the words that I have started to write are on another computer at a different house where we used to be staying. Hmm...perhaps it just ain't gonna happen (good English, I know.)

Probably because watching the Blue Jays game on TV is a lot easier than writing something...hmm...that may be contributing.

Well, here's what we are going to do. We are going to walk through and see what has happened since April. Then maybe some words will come. Let's see...

1. Sweet girl named Carol, age 5 died. I attended her burial and memorial service...and cried a lot of tears.

2. I said good bye to one of my best friends in the whole world, there was peace, but it also came with lots of tears. As I said good bye, I thought of my own that were coming and I wanted to stop the time.

3. Our last two months were filled with visitors and trips and fellowship between the people who have become family to me. Very, very precious and special times.

4. Then, I said good bye to all of them. All those people who have become family-brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, jajjas...little ones who won't remember me the next time I see them. Special people who may not be there when I go back.

5. I moved to the other side of the world and had to re-adjust to my home culture

 

Obviously, much more than that has happened, but those are the top five things that I remember from the past four months. All of these things have changed my life in really big ways. And sometimes, it is very easy to feel lost. After all, most of my friends are on the other side of the world right now. One very precious girl is in heaven. I'm in a country that I haven't lived in for three years. I need to learn things all over again. Like how to use a microwave or a washing machine. And sometimes, it is easy to give up and despair. To wonder why I am so far away from my friends and my "home."

But earlier this week, by chance, as I was listening to some music this chorus began to play, while I was doing something else but it struck me hard.

 

"Take another step, take another step
When the road ahead is dark
And you don’t know where to go
Take another step, take another step
Trust God and take another step
And another step and another step
Take another step and another step and another step"

 

These words. Three simple words: Take another step. Trust God. Take another step.

 

Even when you have said good bye to your best friends.

 

Take another step.

 

Even when you have left your home.

Take another step.

 

Even when you have no plans for the future.

 

Take another step.

 

Even when everything is lost.

Take another step.

 

Even when you can't go on.

Take another step.

 

In other words, trust.

 

Trust in the God who has led us this far...

 

And trust in the God who will continue to lead us on...

 

The road is dark. I don't know where I'm going or where my family is going. We are in transition right now along with many other people I know. We can't see past the darkness that shadows the road, where we are supposed to go or do, but I am reminded. Trust God. Take another step, and one step at a time, He will lead us to where He wants us.

 

He know where we are going. He knows every step we will take, whether it is through the valley or to the top of the mountain. If that step will be on our feet or on our knees. He knows.

 

Don't give up.

 

Take another step.

 

Trust.

 

You who fear him, trust in the Lord—
    he is their help and shield.

~Psalm 115:11

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/stevencurtischapman/takeanotherstep.html

Laughter Lines

I'll see you in the future when we're older

And we are full of stories to be told

Cross my heart and hope to die

I'll see you with your laughter lines.

It's become a season of goodbyes for me. 

Of hard goodbyes. Of bittersweet goodbyes. Of 'see you soon's and 'we'll catch up later's; but also of 'goodbye, I may never see you again on this earth'. 

It all started when I left Uganda for the States two months ago. I'm not gone that long- only for two more weeks. But when I left, I left behind two amazing friends who were also saying goodbyes. For them, though, it was permanent. I'll see them again, no doubt. But never in the same place. Never doing the same things. Those are all memories now. 

And I ask myself, how could time have gone so quickly?

Now, I've just finished my summer job, working as a camp counselor. Oh the times I had- the memories created, the friendships made. I had so much fun. I grew so much, learned so much. And some of the friends I've made, I would have liked to keep near me for much longer. To get to know them better, to hear their stories and be a part of their lives. 

But it's over now. Those times are gone. People move on, including me, and again I ask…

how could time have gone so quickly?

It's goodbye to those amazing people who have had even such a small impact on my life. Goodbye to the opportunities to laugh with them, to cry with them. To just be with them. 

I was reading a blog just a few minutes ago, called How to say goodbye by Hannah Brencher. She says this:

"Goodbye is the starting point you don’t see because the finish line is so piled high with tears and last words and fears that this– this thing you have right here– will never be the same.

And yes, it feels like something in the room is dead or dying or about to die. And the scary thing about that? That’s already true too.

Something is dying. We can’t even ignore it. It sounds so morbid but goodbye is really just admitting that something is dying. You two came together– for a month or for a year or for five of those years– and you built something. You breathed your whole little life into that thing. Your secrets. Your fears. Your laughter. All into that thing. That friendship thing, that “I’ve never really met someone like you” sort of thing. And then, out of nowhere, it feels like something comes along and lobs the whole thing into pieces. That’s what a goodbye will do." 

(http://hannahbrencher.com/2014/05/07/how-to-say-goodbye/)

These seasons have died. A season of friendships in Uganda, and a season of learning and growing and friendships here in the States. Nothing will be the same from here on out. Goodbyes will do that. 

I'm trying to find the balance between grieving these goodbyes, and not letting the memories become painful. God gave us a memory for a reason, which means that He didn't want fun times to turn into things that hurt when we recall them. I want to be able to enjoy the memories that I have; but I don't want to live in them and wish that I could relive them. Because that's not what He calls us to do. We are in the present for a reason. 

We have those memories for a reason.

So I will enjoy the memories: New Year's Eve surprises, movie making, songs sung, great conversations, laughter galore… water polo, mud fights, DC tours, turtles rebuking their subordinates, and more laughter… Memories that have shaped who I am and have given me a glimpse of who Jesus is. 

Even though the summer's over now, and the past five years in Uganda are over, at least the memories will stay. And that's important. 

And what's exciting, is that I will see these people again. Maybe not on here on earth. But I will laugh with them again. I will be able to enjoy them, to hug them again. 

I'll see them again, with their laughter lines.

~Kara 

Impossible to Understand

Some things are impossible to understand. As in totally incomprehensible, ridiculous, and tragic. 

I want to know the whys, the whats, the hows, and sometimes I can't. I'm not allowed to, or no one knows. 

Sometimes it just seems pointless. 

We wonder "Why, oh Lord?" and "How long, oh Lord?" and we get no answer. Or so it seems. 

Maybe we repeat the words of Solomon in Ecclesiastes 1,

"Everything is Meaningless, utterly meaningless!" 

And it's true. Without God. 

But with him nothing's meaningless. Everything is part of his plan and purpose. It may not make any sense to us then or even later, but his perfect story for our lives and the lives of those around us will prevail.

Our mistakes, sins, and failings don't faze Him. He is ready, willing, and able to perfect even our worst shortcomings. Isn't that amazing? 

That doesn't mean I never worry or am always content with His plan! 

My heart still aches and I wonder, "Why did she have to die?" "Why put them through so much pain for something they didn't do?" "Why is this happening?" when a staff member’s unborn child dies, or boys I know are in prison for a crime they didn’t commit.

But the more I rest in Jesus's arms and give up my burdens to him, the more I am able to trust that He knows what He's allowing to happen, and He will triumph through it. 

One of my current favorite Bible sections from Romans 5: 3-5 says, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope doesn't not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he had given us." And that gives me hope. 

-Kasana

Holy Heresies

Kasana and I both unknowingly wrote posts about this topic at the same time.  Kasana was having trouble accessing the post though so for now, I'll just post mine.  Hopefully, Kasana will be able to put hers up soon.

My family and the Anderson family recently went on a week-long trip together.  Auntie Tiff, Jensen and Kasana’s mom, had a book with her about the lies that PKs and MKs believe.  While playing Settlers of Catan, we overheard our moms talking about this book.  Of course, we had to examine this book and see if it was true or not.  After looking it over, we all laughed and spent the rest of the week constantly referring to these “holy heresies”. 

For example, Kasana, Catriona, and I were sorting rice but none of us were very confident on the “proper” Ugandan way to do it.  You are supposed to put it in a basket and toss it up and down and blow so the chaff blows away.  Instead we picked through it but then Kasana said, “I should know how to do this.”  And I said, “Because you should be perfect and if you aren’t then you might ruin your dad’s ministry.”  Then we burst out laughing.  Another comment this book made was that sarcasm is the second language of PKs and MKs.  Noooo, of course not.  Me? Sarcastic? Never. 

Annet teaching me some Ugandan cooking skills

Although we spent the whole week making fun of this book, there is some truth in it (especially about the sarcasm).  For me, I wouldn’t admit feeling these things, but it makes sense when I think about some of the things I do.  For example, “I should know this already.” Personally, I struggle with this one.  I feel guilty when I don’t know the answer to the Bible question.  I feel embarrassed when I don’t know how to cut the cassava at the family group.  I feel ignorant when people talk about a musician or actor who I have never heard of before.  The book said that if MKs took the word “should” out of their vocabulary, they’d only say half as much.  I don’t think I say it that much but it is something that I feel frequently. 

I know that I shouldn’t (there’s the word again) feel this way.  I know that there is no reason why I should know all these things, but the truth is it does come up.  I don’t even know why.  Maybe it’s because I think that since I live in two cultures I should know everything from both.  Maybe it’s because everyone expects a missionary kid to know every single Bible story and fact.

Although this book was addressed specifically to MKs and PKs, I think that everyone believes these to some extent.  Even in pre-Uganda days, I always wanted to be perfect.  I expected to know the answers to every question.  I think that living here has actually brought these to the surface and humbled me.  I realize that I don’t really know all the answers.  I know that I make cultural mistakes.  I recognize that there are many things that I don’t know how to do. So although the book faced a lot of jokes from us, it has definitely been helpful in pinpointing some of the things I sub-consciously believe.

~Christina

Caught

Each minute we live and breathe we are caught. Caught between languages, between cultures, between skin colours, between countries, between continents. On one side, we blend in easily, we remain indistinct and no one notices us, but on the other side, we still want to blend in, to remain indistinct, to not draw attention to our selves, but it is impossible.

Once, my high-school aged missionary kids and I were hanging out waiting for worship practice to start. But there was a school visiting and as they left, all of the kids stared at us.  One of us commented, "This is how celebrities feel." and another one of us said "This feels like I'm an animal in a zoo." Two ways of looking at it...but we are caught, caught between wanting to blend in and the reality that we will standout in this "home" (to whatever extent that word applies) no matter how hard we try.

We are constantly caught between wanting to speak Luganda fluently, go to school with our friends, live lives like theirs but we never will. We don't have the right accent. We can't jump into the Ugandan school system now, we will probably have a larger house, a computer or a phone that our friends don't have. We will be inconvenienced when there is no running water, although for our friends they have never had it and never miss it. We are caught in the "home" in which we currently reside.

But back there...to the lands of electronics, hot showers, running water, strawberries and grapes we are still caught. Because we have friends there and friends here. We will never have them all in the same place. We know a bit of a language that only a few people in that land know. We have funny expressions, we get excited about eating things like...grapes...and ground beef twice a week. We know what starving looks like. We know what poverty is. Something that some of our friends in our "home" may not know.

So we are caught, between the two worlds in which we live. Caught between wanting to bring everyone we love together from both sides of the world no matter where they currently reside. Caught between  wanting to running away from this complex, foreign culture in which we live to go to our "own" and staying in the place that we love. Caught not knowing where we belong with our strange ways of speaking, our mixed English-Luganda, our mixed culture, our mixed life.

I don't know what I'm trying to say in this. I don't want it to conjure up a bunch of sympathy for the poor missionary kids dragged around the world by their parents to foreign countries just to be lost in every culture. 

I guess I'm saying that me, Kara, Kasana, Brevin, Jensen, Jeremiah, Christina, and all of the other missionary kids, we will never fit in. We will always be part-Ugandan-part Canadian/American/British/whatever else. Sometimes that is brutally hard, because we are caught in places where we really just wish we could fit in. But I think it is also an amazing gift, a diamond in the rough. To be caught in uncertainty to rely fully on our Creator, because to Him, it doesn't matter if we are Ugandan, Canadian, American or a combination. We are constantly caught, but I don't think it is always bad, because we have to lean on Him more, to trust in Him more, to realize that in uncertainty and when we are stretched, when we feel we don't even know our own culture, much less anyone elses, we know that we are headed to a place where we will never be caught between worlds and to a place where we will never be uncertain. 

Life is Not Easy

This statement pretty much says it all, “Life is not easy.” In our family we always quote it, “As a wise man once said…” This wise man happens to be the compound worker of another missionary family here.  When we lived in their house for a few months, we got to hear lots of funny stories and quotes. 

Back to the subject, this simple statement sums up a lot of my life. 

Life is not easy when you have lived in seven different houses in the past two years.

Life is not easy when you say good-bye to a friend, not knowing when you’ll see her again.

Life is not easy when you can’t communicate with your friends in their first language.

Life is not easy when you hear of a young, soon-to-be-married woman die of a preventable disease.

Life is not easy when you see your grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles only once every couple of years.

Life is not easy when you discover a little baby who sat on your porch a couple weeks before has died.

Life is not easy when you count down the days to when you have to leave the place that has become your home.

But was I ever promised that life would be easy? No.  On top of that, the Bible actually says that trials or hard things will come but should be seen with JOY! In James 1:2-3 it says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” (ESV)

I don’t have it that hard.  I’m not being persecuted for my faith or suffering from a disease, but this verse says “trials of various kinds.” My faith is being tested through this not-so-easy life.  I’m not saying that my life is any harder than anyone else’s.  The trials I face are just different from what others face. 

And I have comfort in these words, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor any powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:35,37-39 (ESV)

Life is not easy, but I live in Christ’s love.

~Christina